🐷 The Swine Before the Storm
A Trashcore Fantasy From the World of the Mythical Bastards™
By: MythicalBastards.com
The stench rolled in before the army.
Atop a rusted hill of crushed cans, melted armor, and banana peels stood Sir Oinks-a-Lot, the proud “Knight of the Round Dumpster”—and founding member of the legendary and absolutely filthy Mythical Bastards.
Behind him, the Swine Legion assembled. Their armor was junk. Their shields were trash can lids. Their banners were old fast-food receipts. And yet, their hearts beat with greasy valor.
They weren’t soldiers.
They were Bastards.
And today, they marched.
Snortsworth the Filthy Delivers the Prophecy
From the southern edge of the Gutterlands, Sir Oinks’s most revolting companion approached: Snortsworth the Filthy—a pig knight draped in cheese wax and duct tape, proudly wearing a toilet seat as a crown.
He snorted. “The Dumpster Oracle speaks. The humans ride at dawn. They seek to cleanse the heap.”
Sir Oinks flared his nostrils. “Let them try.”
And with that, the Mythical Bastards prepared to defend the sacred trash.
The Charge of the Pork Brigade
That evening, they descended the Slop Marshes—plungers raised, banana peels glistening.
Sir Oinks rode a flaming dumpster like a war chariot, roaring across the battlefield. Snortsworth followed, dual-wielding a mop and a greasy spatula, swiping enemies and splattering sauce alike.
The human army didn’t stand a chance.
They weren’t defeated by strategy. They were defeated by stink, swagger, and unfiltered Mythical Bastard energy.
Bastards Never Die (They Just Smell That Way)
When the battle ended, the swamp was silent—except for the buzzing of reverent flies.
A lone goblin bard emerged from beneath a mayonnaise crate and scribbled into a scroll:
“And thus rose the Swine Lords of Refuse. Champions of the Unwashed.
MYTHICAL BASTARDS in name, in smell… and in legend.”
They say if you wait behind the Rusted Chalice Tavern, you can still hear their war cry on the wind:
“TRASH FOR THE THRONE!”
Want to Join the Bastards?
Sir Oinks-a-Lot and Snortsworth are now available on shirts, stickers, and wearable garbage armor at:
Wear the filth. Live the legend. Become a Bastard.
