The Fire Wasn’t Technically Our Fault

Field Report #001 from the Bastard Files

Welcome to the Mythical Bastards blog — where magic is unstable, damage is collateral, and doing the right thing is a complicated, flammable process.

This is a true-ish story.

There we were, minding our own bastardly business, just trying to find a tavern that didn’t reek of turnip stew and regret, when an old man flagged us down.

“Heroes!” he wheezed.
(Note: We are not heroes. That’s insulting.)
He begged us to help with a “minor goblin issue” terrorizing their village livestock.

Now, normally we charge extra for pest control, but Hanh was already halfway through sketching a summoning circle in the dirt and muttering something about “field testing a new construct.” Lyra, his tiger, growled approval. Deth (that’s me) did that slow blink of someone who knows better — and still keeps showing up.

Ronan muttered, “Should be easy.” That’s when we should have turned around.

Mistake #1: We went into the goblin cave. Hanh summoned a smoke demon “just to rattle them.”
Mistake #2: Goblins hate smoke demons. They ran. Fast.
Mistake #3: Straight into the village. On fire.
Bonus Mistake: The well? Cursed now. Thanks to a misfired blessing. Don’t ask.

At one point, a goat exploded.
We’re still unsure how.

The village square turned into a magical fireworks show meets tavern brawl meets spontaneous barbecue. If chaos were an art form, we painted a masterpiece. With fire. And possibly goat guts.

The Resolution (Sort Of)

We fixed it. Technically.
The goblins are gone. The demon’s been rebanished. Most structures are… standing. One is now a decorative pile of ash, but it looks intentional. The townspeople gave us… a look. You know the one. The “thank you but never come back” kind.

Mrs. Elderdale, who somehow suplexed a goblin during the madness, shouted after us:
“Try doing nothing next time!”

We would, but that’s not very bastardly, now is it?

The Lesson

Here at Mythical Bastards, we believe in chaotic good.
We also believe in:

•Solving problems with unnecessarily big spells
• Making enemies (and goats) explode for dramatic effect
• Walking away from disasters in slow motion
• Accidentally becoming legends

If you’re new here — welcome.
We’re a messy, magical, half-functional family of misfits, stitched together by sarcasm, side quests, and smoky backstories. And the site? Just like our party — ever-evolving.

Follow our misadventures as we turn this wild little website into something strange, beautiful, and possibly on fire.

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And check back on MythicalBastards.com often — the Bastardverse is just getting started.

– Deth
Wielder of Healing Light, Slayer of Poor Decisions